Thursday, April 23, 2009

You had to know I'd go there eventually (warning: gross post!)

Intestinally, life has been quite different since I started my liquid diet a week prior to surgery.

I suffered from some major carb withdrawal a few days into the diet. After a short break from solid foods, my intestines got to go on vacation. I could imagine them coiled on a chaise on the beach, sunglasses on, fruity drink close at hand.  Sighing happily in the sun about getting some time off.

I have had IBS or some kind of crazy colon for YEARS.  For me, constipation was what other people considered normal, if you get my drift.  And I went with great frequency.  GREAT frequency.  As in a week's worth of output for the average Joe was my morning before I left for work.

Now, things have slowed down considerably and uh, firmed up.  And I'm quite gassy.  That seems to be the norm with any kind of bariatric surgery.  That and from eating healhty food, ha ha.  The gas is beginning to get to me, though. Because the contents of my intestines are now solid, convincing said gas to exit around the masses up in there is challenging.

First off, now my gas is wickedly noisy.  Not just a toot here and there.  It's like trumpets.  I frequently finding myself laughing in the bathroom at work.  5th grade boys would love me! But I also have to strain some to pass gas, which is irritating.  Literally.  As in my ass is getting chapped or something from all the high pressure air flow! OUCH.  Hopefully all the gaseous friction will induce an anal callous or something, so it won't be so irritating once I adjust to my new normal.  Gassy with ass callous, that is.

Plus, between that and going to the bathroom, I'm worried I'm gonna pop a stitch!  If I feel a spoiinnng! while going (sound and sensation of my band popping off!), I will literally freak.  I hope it doesn't come to that though.

Hmm. I need to find my bottle of Benefiber.  NOW.

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